A word about mama guilt

As soon as you hear the words "there's something wrong with your baby" the guilt sets in. Your head naturally goes to "was it that drink I had, the soft cheese I ate, the fall, the exercise, the shellfish….". 

For our little Matlida, we have been told that it was non-hereditary and congenital condition that occurred in utero as she was developing. What I understand is that 1 in 100 people are born with renal duplex of some kind, and that it happens as the embryo is forming.  

When Matlida was diagnosed at 20 weeks gestation, I asked my Obstetrician - was it anything I did? She looked me squarely in the eye and said no. I had trusted this woman with mine and my 2nd baby's  life and so I believed her. 

But the guilt pops it's head up in so many ways….. 

On her first admission at 5 weeks, the doctors in emergency had to rule out meningitis and so gave her a lumber puncture to retrieve spinal fluid, and for this I restrained her. She then proceeded to have over 20 failed attempts to find a vein for IV cannula in her fat little arms, legs and hands: for all of these I restrained her. The pain I feel at saying I held my baby while people hurt her is enormous and I am crying writing this. 

My rational brain  knows it was all for her good, but every instinct in me said don't let them hurt her, and that I failed her by letting them do so. I did become mama lion and would only let anaesthetics or ICU doctors attempt to find a vein, and even then I'd give them two attempts. There were many more admissions due to kidney infections before she hit 6 months of age and surgery started. 

I remember my mother coming to sit with her in hospital so I could get out of the hospital and spend sometime with my husband. When I returned my mother said that her IV line had tissued (this means clotted and formed a blockage) and that they had taken her to try to find another vein. I was beside myself, what was worse than restraining her for these procedures, was letting someone take my completely vulnerable baby away to do the procedure without me - something the doctors and nurses often advised parents to do stating that it was "worse for the parents than the baby." Are you kidding? Letting your baby go through something painful without their number one protector and soother there is awful!

Guilt is not a rational thing. Some people believe that our brains are naturally wired via evolution to be problem solvers and this is the way humans have risen to the top of the food chain. Feeling guilty is a way of the brain finding fault so you don't do it again - we are hard wired to be protective parents and it's not rational. 

More recently, (Matilda is 2.5years and we're in hospital as I write this) I was told by her surgeon that he only sees a case like hers once every 5 years or so……. and up popped mama guilt! Her case is so strange that surely it's my fault in some way……… 

What I've learned about mama guilt is that it is an expression of my love and devotion for my kids. To allow it to be, to really feel it, to cry and let my husband hold me while I do, and to make room for it. In doing so, I try to honour how it feels and not make myself wrong or an "irrational female."  For all mums, not just those with little ones going through tough medical procedures, you're enough, your love is enough, and your guilt is a marker of your love and devotion. 

Blessings to us all.